Wednesday 19 June 2013

4 AM


If you came to our house in the wee hours of the morning you would find Pete asleep in bed, Pruin asleep in his basket next to the bed and me, naked but for a nursing bra, in my beautiful new bathroom rocking myself on the beautiful new bathmat.

I had gone in for a wee after putting Pruin down yet again and I hadn't been able to bring myself to return to the bedroom.  I got as far as the bathroom door before I burst into tears.


Sleep deprivation is a bitch.


All things considered, Pruin is a great baby.  He doesn't cry much, he goes down to sleep fairly easily, he's cute as hell.  However, at night, he sleeps in diminishing returns (3 hours, 2 hours, 1 hour, 30 minutes, etc.) and while he sleeps he grunts, whines, growls, snorts, chirps, all while fast asleep.

At 4 this morning I couldn't face going back into the room and listening to the mini wildlife preserve. Lying there, no sleeping and not needed by the little animal in the basket at present, but at any moment the animal imitation would switch to a convincing hungry baby.

I just needed a break.  Just a few minutes away from his constant needs.  But that is impossible, even when he's sleeping.  I no longer exist.  My needs fall to the end of the line behind this little man and my big man who has to maintain a work schedule.  Even my most basic needs of eating, sleeping, excreting are pushed aside.

So at 4 o'clock this morning I curled up on the bathmat to get some me time.  Just a few minutes when I couldn't hear him.  I still didn't get any sleep.  Eventually I had to vacate the bathroom as Pete had to get ready for work.

There were thoughts of failure for sure.  Because I needed a break.  Because I swore at my sleeping son. Because I was lying on the floor of my bathroom like a college freshman back from her first frat party.

I hate to tell you there is no happy ending here.  I didn't find any deep well of patience.  I wasn't restored after my stay on the bathmat.  I wasn't even able to see the humour in a grown woman hiding from her five week old in the bathroom.  I just went back in and numbly went about the business of taking care of my son knowing the day ahead would be another day of not sleeping and barely eating.  For both him and me.  This is my life.  I don't know if I have accepted that reality. But I am living the reality daily.


Sleep deprivation is a bitch.



8 comments:

  1. That sounds completely exhausting, and I'm sorry you've had a tough run of things. Do you know anyone close by that could cook you some food or hold the kid so you can sleep? Sleep deprivation IS a bitch, and it makes everything feel larger than life. I really hope that you can get the support you need. Meanwhile: sending warm thoughts your way for sleep and sanity.

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  2. Oh you are so not alone. This was a very common occurrence in our house, although it was winter I was freezing so there were pjs. Remember the weekend isn't far away or perhaps you could sleep on the sofa or in the spare room in between feeds to allow for a better sleep minus grunting. I'd love to say it gets easier and for most it probably does - our nights are still erratic, however you have hit that point where the adrenalin that got you through the first weeks is gone and the hormones are still raging but baby is giving you very little in return. You will soon stop feeling like a milking machine.
    Thinking of you and wishing sleep, naps and hot relaxing baths in the very near future.

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  3. This is when not having family close by is a challenge! Call some friends and ask for a bit of relief/support/food. Ask someone to come over during the day and go outside alone for a walk for even 20 minutes or half hour. Take a break when Pete comes home from work and go out to be alone for a short while. Even just little breaks give you a momentary breather and that brings some perspective. You will notice a difference!

    Sending loving support! It will get easier!

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  4. Hang in there Ariel. It is tough I know. I remember thinking at that stage I wondered whether there was van that came around to collect babies to look after them for a while to get a decent night sleep. The only piece of advice is that with children everything is a stage and doesn't last forever though it feels like forever at the time. Just wait for the milestones like that first smile, rolling over it will melt your heart and makes it all seem worthwhile again. Philippa

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  5. Oh man. I wish so hard I could come watch the wee one and give you some sleep.

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  6. Thanks everyone. It's not so bad as all that. One bad night makes for good writing, but it is not necessarily the norm. Pruin is a pretty good baby, all things considered. But I appreciate the concern and advice.

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  7. Hey there. Don't feel bad at swearing at your sleeping baby... is till swear at my sleeping 6 year old. LOL I'm sure your a kick ass mom Ariel!!!! You'll get sleep.... eventually! Keep up the good work girlie!
    Margi

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  8. Have you read this yet? Made me think of you, and some other friends who are new mothers... http://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/04/before-i-forget-what-nobody-remembers-about-new-motherhood/274981/

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