I was having a really hard time thinking of what I’m thankful for today. Specifically today. I have been wracking my brain all day. How horrible that five days in I can’t find a simple thing to be thankful for. I was trying to pick each item based on each day. But as I am not feeling productive on any day, it’s hard to be grateful for a day that is so disappointing. I know I have no one to blame but myself on that note, but that isn’t helpful either.
So while it is a blessing and a curse, I guess I am thankful for Pete’s job which allows me the luxury of not having to take just any job anywhere. I am acutely aware that I am wasting this gift by not being productive and it is a daily battle for me. I am also acutely aware that this cannot continue. I battle myself each day and each day I win a little more productivity.
However, I’m not sure what I am producing or want to produce. This is part of the battle. This is what this time is suppose to help me figure out. I’ve been obsessed with talk radio lately and have sent out letters asking to volunteer at local stations as well as production companies. I have followed up these letters. Radio silence. I don’t want to go back to school for training. I’m done with school.
But I’m still applying for academic roles, positions in cultural institutions, and media industry. Many are long shots, many are not. Nothing. For the entry roles, I am too qualified. For the senior roles, I am too inexperienced. This is the first time our family has felt the effects of the ‘economic crisis’ and it sucks. I can’t imagine how much it sucks for people with less financial security.
Part of this exercise of being thankful each day was to also act thankful. I am not acting thankful for this gift of time. I need to win this battle. I don’t know if I can do it alone. I need reinforcements.